2017- wow. What a year. In so many ways, it was a beautiful, bountiful one, but my God did I have to work for it.
This past year was filled to the brim for me. Basically, I filled my grocery cart to its limit before I had time to take inventory of what I needed or wanted. I took on too much and I learned my lesson. In the swing of things, I felt strong and powerful that I had so much going on. I think it was intoxicating to have so much at my fingertips and I was a little greedy with those opportunities. Disclaimer: I do not regret any of it, it all meant something. However, it's when that swing stopped swinging that I felt a little lost.
I was working full time, I was blogging, I had a new business venture and I was trying to manage my personal life. I was confused when I felt this sense of unbalanced weight. Shouldn't I feel like the powerful, independent, mature and savvy woman I have wanted to be for so long?
When I would come home from work or whatever I was doing, I felt absolutely run down. I spent so much time trying to be good at too much at one time so that when I came home and put my feet up, I didn't feel like I gave any of it 100%. It came to a point where I had to shed some of the weight. I stopped blogging. I stopped working on my side business. I changed jobs, knowing I needed change and a different kind of challenge. I went from having what felt like a constant rotation to just working full time at my new job. I was disappointed when what I thought was the definite remedy didn't work the way I wanted it to. Another disclaimer: this is really about my individual self and career development; I have an amazing family, friends and boyfriend that make my personal life strong and beautiful.
When I made the room in my cart, I was shocked at the standstill inside my head. The creative juices just weren't flowing, but I could feel myself decompressing so I knew it was going to take some time to feel "normal".
As of recent, I have felt a resurgence of identity and I am proud of that. I am proud that when I took on too much, I knew myself enough to be honest and make changes. What frustrated me was the way I utilized so much energy and emotion trying to do too much that at the peak of my stress, I felt like, "I need to get this down to one thing." Then I got to the one thing and I didn't feel quite fulfilled. But why? I just figured out why I felt heavy. My purring self doubt in the back of my head was undeniable. Did I make a mistake? What do I want to do with my life again? What is my dream job? Why am I not feeling as strong as I once felt with that really full cart? That was confusing to me.
What really comforts me is when I think of my time in Florence and what that journey looked like- one of challenge, discovery and self love. I would say I am at a similar time in my life now. I have placed myself on this journey to find the things that truly give me FULFILLMENT and I really want to keep myself steady on this path. As I am getting over one of the worst sicknesses I have had in a while, I am reminded of how much I need to take care of my body. I want to do things that feel good, but also do good. I want to get back to nurturing my spirituality more. I want to take on things with a greater sense of purpose rather than just for the sake of taking things on. My cart may not be as full as it once was, but it is still FULL.
So here I am, returning back to my digital home. This time, I want things to be a little different. I will still post some fashion and style, but this platform will really be for my exploration in this journey and my evolving lifestyle that comes with it. I have always found writing very cathartic and I am excited to re-engage. I feel so blessed that I can lay my words here and know that they don't just echo into the darkness. I know I am not alone in these feelings and I actually want to challenge those reading this- join me on this journey of fulfillment.
No two stories are the same and that's why I want to hear yours too! Who knows, maybe I will feature some of them :)